On the heels of a damaging virus known as the "I Love You" virus, the "I Hate You" virus enjoys an even wider distribution and heaps of praise from computer industry experts.

The I-Love-You virus shut down computer systems world-wide by creating an exponential volume of electronic mail. It spreads by email and once infected, the users' PC sends virus-laden email to hundreds of others from the victim's email address list. Technical experts continue working to repair the damage from Thursday's ILY attacks.

Meanwhile, the I-Hate-You virus attacked in a similar way but has widely different effects. The I-Hate-You virus seems to prevent many of the most common problems with Microsoft programs and operating systems.

"After I got the I-Hate-You virus, my system quit locking up and I didn't get the blue screen of death anymore," said Ben Dover, a computer programmer from Teaneck, N.J. "The few error messages I do get actually have meaning and identify the root problem. We're still trying to figure out how it works---but for now we just know that it does. We hope to sell the virus to Microsoft as a repair patch to Windows' many bugs. So, if you weren't infected by the I-Hate-You virus, don't worry, you may be able to download it for a small fee from Microsoft, providing that Gates buys the rights from us. Negotiations are underway," Dover said.

Governor signs death export tax break, complains of finger cramps

ATLANTA - Gov. Roy Barnes signed into law dozens of bills and vetoed other legislation leaving the governor with a severe case of finger cramps.

A tax break for a major Macon employer, Brown & Williamson Tobacco Corp., was among the last of the 274 bills and resolutions signed by Barnes and by that time his hand was really in pain. The signature reads "Ro-- Bar---------" which caused some clerks to challenge the papers as forgeries.

State law gives the governor 40 calendar days from the end of the 40-day legislative session to issue any vetoes or sign bills. "Next year, I'm not going to procrastinate, I'm going to sign a few a day so there's not so much pressure on my writing hand," Barnes said. "Traveling around the state and signing the same bill five or six times for ceremonies and photo ops just makes it worse."

Barnes signed into law the tax break for Brown & Williamson, which will be based on the volume of cigarettes the company exports. The law will save B&W at least $1.6 million to $2 million a year, according to state budget analysts. "We like the idea of bringing jobs to Georgia and keeping them while exporting the death and disease consequent to those jobs. It's a win-win for us and to heck with the importing losers," Barnes said.

The Florida Marlins went into a five game losing streak as a result of the federal seizure of Elian Gonzalez in Miami said Florida Marlins spokesman Mucho Hottaire. "Janet Reno and her thugs have really upset our city and my players. If it weren't for their strong-arm techniques, we'd be in second place very close to the Atlanta Braves instead of fourth place," Hottaire said.

The first two losses in the five game streak were to the ailing San Francisco Giants, further proof, says Hottaire, that it was the trauma of the seizure that induced the losing streak.

"These thugs need to quit messing with America's favorite pastime," said Marlins manager John Boles. "They can rough up some Cuban exiles and stomp on people's rights all they want, but when they mess with Baseball, that's going too far. If we had not won Monday, we were going to file a formal protest to the commissioner."

Following the Macon City Council Public Safety committee meeting, city councilman Jim Lee mounted his trusty steed, Teetotaler, and raced through the streets of downtown Macon warning merchants and residents that the winos are coming.

The Public Safety Committee narrowly approved a new ordinance, one Lee adamantly opposes, that would make consumption of alcoholic beverages legal on downtown streets, sidewalks and parking lots.

To assure that all of council and the mayor were aware of his views, Lee rode by all their houses shouting the warning "The winos are coming! The winos are coming!"

Mayor C. Jack Ellis heard the shouted warning and peered out his College Street window at the nearby Bell South tower where he saw two flashing red beacons. The pre-arranged signal was one beacon if by land, and two if by river. Ellis then knew that the winos would probably move in from under the river bridges rather than from the bus station.

"Mayor Ellis has not yet decided how he'll react to the wino threat," said the mayor's spokesperson, C. Jane Runn. "We'll wait to see what the Council minute-men do first."

Barnes signs law to ensure trial lawyer wealth

ATLANTA - Gov. Roy Barnes signed a law to guarantee that girls attending Georgia public schools will have the same athletic opportunities and facilities as boys---and in so doing, ensured ongoing wealth for trial lawyers.

The Equity in Sports Act was signed in a ceremony following a Class AAA girls soccer playoff match.

"These girls put in equal effort, and they deserve equal money," Barnes said. "Girls enjoy sports just as much as boys do and the girls look a lot better while they're doing it. I plan to watch more of this girl's soccer. Ooo, la, la," Barnes said.

The law adds teeth---rows and rows of sharks teeth--- to federal Title IX rules that mandate comparable school sports opportunities for boys and girls. It also requires the state to take an active role in evaluating and monitoring sports gender equity questions.

"We eagerly await a feeding frenzy on Georgia schools," said F. Mako Hammerhead, spokesman for the Trial Lawyers Seeking Extravagant Wealth. "With football the dominant school sport, and given that football teams are larger and more equipment-intensive than other sports, schools will balk at spending equal amounts on other female sports. That means we can demand all kinds of hokey sports teams for girls or insist that they let girls play football. Either way, it sounds like a lot of fun and a lot of money," Hammerhead said.

Management at the Macon Water Authority has launched a new language and phrasing policy in response to major sewerage spills. "It's proven psychology that if you speak safety, you'll be safer," said George Grunge, the water authority's collection systems manager. "Practicing safe language and phrasing will create a safer frame of mind while working," Grunge said.

With a record number of sewerage spills, EPA officials are investigating the Macon Water Authority's sewerage management practices. "Having a language policy scores points on the EPA's checklist of good stuff," Grunge said.

The new MWA language and phrasing policy prohibits a number of specific phrases and metaphorical references. Specific phrases prohibited include "It's getting deep in here...", "stuff happens", "I'm not taking any more stuff from you" and "When the feces hits the fan...", among other phrases.

Prohibited metaphorical references include any reference to feces or urine, especially profane and slang terms and any reference to the olfactory sense. For example, it's forbidden to say "I smell a problem" or "Something doesn't smell right here."

MWA employees are not happy with the new policy as several revealed on condition of anonymity. "I think the policy stinks--it reeks with a foul dank odor," said one. "These guys are full of it," said another. "I'm really PO-ed about this crap," said a third.

The policy takes effect May 1st, a traditionally Communist and totalitarian regime holiday.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.